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some wallflower

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Oh where have you gone? [30 Aug 2013|12:55pm]

Oh how I miss this community, even though I was more of a lurker than anything.

Please tell me everyone is okay and still loving being a wallflower and feeling infinite.
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Hello there fellow travelers! [25 Jun 2013|04:06pm]

[ mood | accomplished ]

Please do not forgot how amazing you really are. 

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[08 May 2009|02:32am]

This has not been updated in ages, but I really just had one of those 2:30AM, alone with the music on urges to say to everyone that I hope all is well. <3
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[11 Sep 2008|01:26am]

[ mood | cold ]

I want to drive until I find a long stretch of highway in the middle of no where, park my car in the middle of the road. Get out of my car and just scream.

Scream until I can't scream anymore.

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Lost and Found... [31 Jul 2008|11:17pm]

I haven't read the book in a while, but I know I need to.
I just got married, and things are wonderful.
About 1 year and 6 months into our relationship, I told my honey that he HAD to read the book, or else.
He read it...In one day.
He even went through and highlighted the parts he liked.
We are on our honey moon now, which consists of us hanging out around the house, floating the river and me getting stoned, and all I can think about is Charlie, and how infinite he felt.
I'm so happy.

Keep your chins up, keep talking, keep writing.
Life happens, it is what you make it.

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we all have something that digs at us. at least we dig each other. [02 May 2008|02:02am]


walking through the parking lot with my roomate, I attempted to put into words how excited I was to see him.  to sit outside and smoke parliaments and [not] talk about anything.  and there he was.. walking towards me all smiles.  [fate]

here we are now with our desperate youth and the pain, we're awakening.  maybe it's called ambition.  you've been talking in your sleep about a dream, we're awakening... these dreams started singing to me out of nowhere and in all my life I don't know that I ever felt so alive, alive.  I want to wake up kicking and screaming.  I want to wake up kicking and screaming.  I want to know that my heart's still beating.  it's beating, I'm bleeding.
the concert itself was astonishing.  the song above made my heart skip a beat.  and for the first time in months, I finally felt alive.  

they tell you where you need to go.  they tell you when you'll need to leave.  they tell you what you need to know.  tell you who you need to be.  but everything inside you knows there's more than what you've heard.  there's so much more than empty conversations filled with empty words.  and you're on fire when He's near you.  you're on fire when He speaks.  you're on fire burning at these mysteries.

the "light show" during on fire was equally ahh-mazing.  that song always gives me chills.  I don't know what I've done [right] in my life to deserve moments like this but I never cease to thank God for them.

"I am priviliged to call so many people with scrapes and bruises my friends.  we are thrift store people.  we aren't new, we don't always function the way that we should, and we are quite unperfect.  our hearts have often been heavy and strained, but they never falter.  we believe in things greater than ourselves, and we remember that when life throws us aside leaving us unused.  you are scattered across the map.  some of you know eachother, and some of you will never meet.  but I love you all, know that." - sloan

I couldn't have said it better myself.  I don't need to pay some woman $95 a session.  I don't need rehab.  nights like last night are all I need to stay clean.  and alive.  thank you, friends.

we were born for this
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[16 Dec 2007|12:15am]

I was just wondering if anyone can help me out because my best friend's cousin has my copy of The Perks at the moment. What were the gifts Charlie gave for Christmas? Any help would do.

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Goodreads.com - For those who like reading [19 Nov 2007|04:05pm]

I was reading the Weekly Dig yesterday while waiting to be seated at a sushi restaurant and learned about Goodreads.com. It's a lot like Last.fm except for books. I recommend those who enjoy reading and writers to join the site (you add your original works for others to read). Here's a short description of the site:

Goodreads is a free website that allows you to see what your friends are reading. You can add and review books that you are currently reading, going to read, or already read. You can also read reviews by people who aren't in your friend network.

If you join or already have an account, add me as a friend, please! I'd like to see the types of books other Perks fans enjoy reading.
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[08 Oct 2007|02:18am]

[ mood | cheerful ]

Tonight someone made me think and remember that the little things that make you happy can help you pull through those times you feel like you can't. So keep that in mind.

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Top 10 Banned Books [02 Oct 2007|11:18pm]

[ mood | annoyed ]

I don't know if anyone else has seen or posted about this, but I was looking at The Top 10 Banned Books for 2006 and was completely shocked to find The Perks on it!

Anyway, since (apparently) it is National Banned Books Week...find a book on the list that looks interesting (or even the Perks again!) and read it this week or whenever you get the time.

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................ [21 Sep 2007|09:11am]

[ mood | contemplative ]

— I took a test the other day and it was as if god was speaking to me... asking me questions. It gave me hope.

If anyone tells you that "The grass is never greener on the other side," you should return with___ "The grass may not be greener but as long as there is ground (no matter how rocky or dirty) you can still walk on it and eventually you will find that small patch of grass you were looking for."

In order to change you have to take risks. In order to acheive what you want you will have to pass obstacles/hurtles. And no obstacle is worth your life or your dream. Remember that — And stayed focused.

— I have always taken the road less traveled by, but that has made all the difference in the end.

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[17 Sep 2007|09:24pm]

i need you guys.
i need to still have faith in humanity.
i need to know there are good people out there.

i'm starting to scare myself, i'm beginning to lose hope.
i want to believe that there are honest and loving people in the world, i really do.

i think it's because i expect too much.
i, myself, give too much and expect to receive the love i give in return, but i never do.

i want to know there are people out there who genuinely care and aren't just in it for themselves.
i want to know selfless people.

please tell me people like this exist, i really need to know this.
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[16 Sep 2007|10:27pm]

"I missed this."

It was among the first things to be said when we all piled into the truck.  It hadn't been driven in quite a while, and we had to fill it's tank from the bright red gas container in the garage.  It'd been so long we weren't sure which tank was the one that leaked.  We weren't sure if we'd make it the short ride to Tim Horton's and back.  We weren't even sure if that's where we were going.

His exact words after that, I don't remember.  Something about how he missed the feeling.  How we missed the feeling.  Each of us had wanted to be here again.  Each of us wanted to feel the uncomfortable cramming of bodies too close in the backseat of a car driving to an undecided destination for undecided purposes. 

Unfortunate circumstances of love had caused one of the usual members of the group to move on without us, but it was time for us to move on as well.  We gained two more females, something that made my estrogen smile.  Finally it wasn't just being one of the boys.

We ended up going where we needed.  We ended up eating too many donuts, and drinking Jack and coke.  "We" wasn't all of us, but it didn't make a difference to the feeling.  It didn't make a difference who was on the trampoline with me this summer and it didn't really matter what the circumstances of it were.  I was there again, this time buzzed, fully clothed, and not soaking wet, but on the same trampoline nonetheless.

Yes, people change.  Yes, friends leave.  But, no, life will not stop for you.  Or for anybody.

There's something about sulking for nine months.  There's something about wasting summer away wishing that doesn't satisfy.  Of course, you'd assume that it doesn't, but it takes a lot more to realize that.

It may be that the people you thought you'd be with forever have gone.  And it may be that people you didn't even know existed are there.  It may be under sad circumstances that you realize, to be happy you just need to breathe.
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[14 Aug 2007|10:35pm]

dear friend.
i'm dating a musician.
a pseudo famous musician.
i can't tell you his name, i can't tell anyone.
it's so fucking hard.
he's too amazing for me NOT to want to talk about him.

love, the girl that loves him passed the music.
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[27 Jul 2007|06:46pm]

he's seventeen.
but he sings like an angel.
and despite the drugs.
he called me his lady and the "i love her" was an accident.
but, then as the sun came up this morning. he said he meant it.
holy fuck...
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a question [09 Jul 2007|05:48pm]

[ mood | calm ]

So I asked this before a few years ago but I forgot the answer and can't find it in the memories. Does anyone know the name of the e.e. cummings poem mentioned in the book? Or what e.e. cummings book has the poem in it. Thanks to anyone who responds!
Love & Sunshine,

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jantzen beach [30 Jun 2007|09:11pm]

[ mood | loving ]

june 19 i met someone new. his name: christopher. and at first it was so awkward to talk to him. but after the first few days, we started to click. everything just clamped down together and it turned out that we meshed rather well. last wednesday, i decided to try a night out with a someone i'd known for a month or so, and i'd known his father for about half of a year. he started to talk about seeing me naked, and i couldn't tell if he was joking. when i asked him if he was, he just laughed and never said anything. after a few hours of walking around with him, him trying to convince me to go to portland or to this crappy secluded beach, i called a friend and asked her to pick me up. my excuse to that guy? my friend was in the hospital. i bawled until they picked me up about a half-hour later. i met christopher today in jantzen beach. it's about the same distance from both of our houses, so we thought it was fair to meet half-way. it was so funny how nerve-wracking it was for me. i'd brought along two friends. one i'd seen every blue moon because of job corp, and another for a year because she'd moved away. i was terrified that he may be as big a creep as the other guy. even more terrified that i wouldn't look the same to him as the photos he'd seen of me. i found out more about him today than i could have from some conversations before. when he told me how his father died when i was driving him home today... i nearly broke down crying in the car while i was driving. the fact that he was in the car with his dad when it happened, and that he was only seven... it really hurt to think about. and how much it had changed him and closed him off for awhile. today was our first kiss as well. i asked if he'd like to date, and he said yes. he kissed me again. i told him if he continued, i was going to ask him to be my boyfriend, and that kind of thing should wait because we'd only known each other a few weeks. he kissed me again. i asked, he answered yes. he's such a beautiful person. he told me he never wants to grow up. i don't blame him. he's an absolute sweetheart. i really hope he doesn't change his mind about being the exclusive couple of boyfriend and girlfriend, because ever since i met him, i've been smiling so much more than i thought i could before. i want to love him. but that's going to take awhile. and with him... he's worth the effort to be a big part of his life. the fact that he was so respectable and kind... i don't think i would change him for anything, even if he does spell like shit. he's worth it all. and no matter what... above all, i really hope he has a good life. he deserves the best that life can offer him. and even if i can't be by his side forever as love or friend... i still want him to have everything he could ever want.

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[14 Jun 2007|03:50pm]

[ mood | indescribable ]

Today I said I was going to give up on writing.

Sometimes I find myself making silent vows that are supposed to somehow ease my mind, when the city that I live in, although big, destroys every thought of ambition I might have owned durning my short life. Dreams become (disenchanting) forgotten, like stale saccarhine candy left out on the table for far too long.

And like those manuscripts that lie under the bed, and wait for the opportunity to shine, big clouds that roar up above, always rain down on them. And with the rain those words will wash away, just like files on a computer that get erased. And there is nothing left of that creation you made. And the tears will never bring it back. And the tears will never make him understand.

When do you come to the realization that your battle you held on to for so long has no true purpose? Why do I have to surrender and raise my white flag in the air? Because the world is too weak to consider me? And who am I surrending to may I ask?

Surrending to the thought that I am just average? And the average person that dreams always gets hurt the worst?

What are you protecting me from?

I can't begin to understand this form of protection, when you tell me straight out that I will never be a writer. I am sure that you won't even seize to question why I have given up something that once made me so happy to do.

But my voice, (I learned) is not heard. So how could I expect any of them to read something that I've written? Espeically, when they only ask what is wrong when I am silent.

How can one person be silent and still have a voice at the same time? All I have is a life that I wish would slowly wither away, like those words that held meaning once in this life.

Silence effects everyone in the end.

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[10 Jun 2007|06:55pm]

i let my friend borrow my copy of the perks and im stuck without it while im trying to do a book report on it. can anyone remind me exactly what happens to charlie at the end? after he remembers the things in his past? [sorry im being vague, i dont want to ruin the ending for anyone that hasnt read it yet.]
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winter of '05 [04 Jun 2007|04:12pm]


i wrote this just before christmas of 2005. i still consider it the most personal letter i've ever written. you know that first love you have in life? the one that changes everything? he was that to me. michael david emdee swiger. in that short winter with the storms that caved in our garage door and gave me the sniffles for two weeks, him, a terriblly amusing cold- we fell in love. i like to think that rather than myself being the only one to fall. you wrote me the most beautiful of words, and i sang you a new song with each passing night as we whispered i love yous until the morn. it was funny in a way, you planning our future, and myself just content with the present. that was the first time i felt so wonderful beautiful [as you put it]. i haven't felt that way since. everything was beautiful in my eyes. you'd done so much to change my life and myself for the better. i don't know what happened that night, though, a week after christmas. i remember the yelling, that i tried to cheer you up, somehow ending up defending bella. i told you about her. i told you about how much she endured from her father, molesting her throughout her childhood and hiding it until i stumbled upon it. i called you stupid for even thinking you could insult one of my friends without anything to back up your views. "you're right. i'm fucking stupid! i'm a fucking asshole!" i realized my mistake, and i tried to calm you down. i was breaking inside throughout the whole thing. i knew something huge was about to happen. i just didn't realize that this, of all things, would. it's been over a year now, you know? you haven't spoken to me since that night. i've tried relentlessly to speak to you. you don't know how much i've changed. how much i've learned about myself, and about what happened. i was put in the hospital for trying to drown myself. i lived there a week, once in a room looking over the parking lot, with the red room beside me for the angry patients to be put in when they lost control. the next room was beautiful and frightening, scratches on the windows, a garden that looked so shattered in the rain outside, a prayer on my headboard, love letters in cupboards, swastikas in sunflowers and black lips slithering down shower curtains. i was so afraid. a month later, i found out that you had returned to your ex only weeks after that night. it tore at me. christmas was hell this year. you're the repeat offender in my mind, always bringing me to tears. it's time i move on, i know. but how? michael... you've changed me, you've loved me, you've hurt me. at the very least, allow me closure.

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